What Visitors Should Do in Amsterdam

I've been having a lot of visitors lately, and they always want to know where to go and what to do while they're in town. In my opinion, these are the places and things to do that make Amsterdam unique, listed in no particular order. Yeah, it's biased as hell, but if you disagree, make your own list!

I recommend that you don't show your visitors this list, especially if they are only in town for a few days. It will just drive them crazy, thinking of all the things they won't be able to fit into their trip. It's kinder to ask them probing questions about what they like and don't like and then tailor their experience accordingly. For example, if they prefer beer over cocktails, then take them to the Brouwerij 't Ij and don't even mention Door 74. If they prefer impressionist art over realism, take them to the Van Gogh and confide to them that the Rijksmuseum is overrated. Then they can leave Amsterdam with the comfortable feeling that they saw everything worth seeing (although of course we locals know better!) and having had an amazing time doing only the things they most love to do. They will also have had a real vacation, having being freed from the need to race from museum to museum in a mad attempt to cram in every "must-see" in their guidebook. I'll bet they'll then remember Amsterdam as the highlight of their multi-city trip across Europe. Well, except if it rains during their entire visit, which alas could easily happen.

[] Febo, preferably in the middle of the night after going out drinking.

[] Foam, if there's a good exhibition

[] Wynand Fockink combined with a walk around the Red Light District

[] Brouwerij T'Ij (the windmill brewery)

[] Belgique or Gollem or de Elfde Gebod (if they are not also going to Belgium during this particular trip)

[] Door 74 for pricey cocktails and a priceless entrance

[] Maoz, if the visitors don't live where there's already a Maoz (i.e., Philadelphia, London, Barcelona). My favorite Maoz is on Ferdinand Bolstraat: they have tables, good music, and sometimes even my favorite salad bar item, roasted cauliflower!)

[] Doner kebab or Turkish pizza

[] Anne Frank Huis combined with lunch or dinner at the Pancake Bakery (definitely order a savory pancake & try it with stroop)

[] Van Gogh museum, preferably on Friday night, combined with restroom stop at the Cobra Cafe (remember to lock the doors!)

[] Night out at Boom Chicago, preferably for half-price (keep checking www.lastminuteticketshop.nl)

[] Bike trip to Java and KNSM island for futuristic architecture, combined with a stop at the cafe at the top of the public library

[] Heineken Brewery

[] Rijksmuseum, but only if the visitors are into old Dutch masters like Vermeer, Rembrandt, Jan Steen, and Pieter Brueghel

[] Rent or borrow a bike!

[] Bike to Broek in Waterland, Marken, or Monnickedam (Marken is 40km away, so a 8-10 hour bike ride; have done it on an electric scooter, rentable from the American Hotel, which was easy and fantastic. If you make it to Monnickedam, be sure and watch the clock tower on the hour. The angel in the blue short-shorts alone is worth the trip. If you make it to Broek in Waterland, be sure to eat at the pancake house.)

[] Bike along the Amstel and stop along the way in Oude Kerk for an appeltaart

[] The Dampkring coffeeshop, if the visitors smoke weed and are into Brad Pitt or Oceans 11, combined with trip to the Belgian frites shop a few doors down

[] Bouchon du Centre, the French restaurant across the street from me, during lunch on a nice day when you can sit on the terrace

[] The Paradiso main room for a concert

[] Zaanse Schans, by train or car (best bets: visit the first Albert Heijn supermarket, buy real Zaanse Schans mustard to bring home, taste cheese at the cheese store, and visit the clog museum)

[] Raw herring at one of the herring stands on the street, with pickles and onions. I heard that a very Dutch way to eat this is to bring it home and have it with old jenever (Dutch gin) that you keep in your freezer, but I haven't tried this myself yet.

[] cTaste blind eating, but only if they don't mind paying 40 euros for their meal and they don't live in a city where cTaste is already available

[] High Tea at the Amstel Hotel (gorgeous setting but it's very expensive, so only if the visitors have never had the high tea experience & love sweets/tea)

[] Droog (design store, especially rolling around on the dish plates by the front door), Beestenwinkel (if they have kids), and Puccini's (yummy chocolate bonbons)

[] Pianola museum: definitely one of a kind. Especially good during Museumnacht.

[] MC Escher Museum in Den Haag

[] Bakkerswinkel, specifically for scones with clotted cream and strawberry jam.

[] New King in Chinatown

[] Any Amsterdam Beat Club event in town, especially if it's at Maloe Melo or features the West Hell 5, the Anacondas, the Phantom Four, or burlesque side acts.

[] Sex Museum on Damrak 18

[] Casa Rosso live sex show

[] Koan Float

[] Moeders, especially if your mother is in town. If you bring a framed photo of your mum, they'll hang it up on their walls for the next time you visit. Your mom will love it. The food's good too, and you can order a Dutch version of rijsttafel.

[] Gartine, for a pleasant breakfast or lunch with organic Dutch ingredients by the Spui

[] Turkish breakfast at Bazar: it's served all day and it's yummy

[] Kruller-Muller museum, sculpture garden, and biking in the Hoge Veluwe national park around it

[] In-line skaters: Friday Night Skate, part of a worldwide network of Friday night skates, yet unlike any of the other skates

[] Snowboarders and Skiers: Snowworld in Maastricht, the largest indoor snowboarding dome in the world, according to Wikipedia

[] Sailing on a boat built around the 1800s around the Markenmeer or around the islands up north (sorry, not that easy to arrange if you just drop into Amsterdam as a tourist, but it's worth mentioning because it's such a unique non-American experience!)

[] Hikers: mud walking up north

Places/Things I Think Visitors Will Enjoy but I Haven't Tried Yet Myself

[] The Vodka Museum

[] Mike's Boat Rides (via Boom Chicago)

[] Red Light walking tour

[] Amsterdam Marionetten Theater

[] Flower Auction

[] Maurithuis

[] Delft

[] Bikers: biking the dunes at night on a full moon between Haarlem and Bloemendaal

[] An hour of canal biking (an hour's probably good enough!)

[] Bike to Durgadam & have lunch at the brown cafe

Special Times of the Year:

[] Museumnacht (November 8)

[] Queens Day (April 30)

[] Pluk de Nacht (usually in late August)

[] Silent movies outside at the Filmmuseum (summer)

[] World Pillowfight Day

[] World Press Photo exhibit (May)

[] Keukenhof (April), preferably on a sunny day and biking first through the tulip fields from the Leiden train station

[] Sail (every 5 years, next one is in 2010)

[] Torontotunnel rave: they prohibit traffic into Amsterdam for the Dam to Dam every year and a few clever promoters decided that this would be the perfect time to hold a rave in a traffic tunnel. Note that Dutch DJs are world famous, so this is a pretty good party right in the middle of a Sunday afternoon.

[] Rocket Cinema Festival (last weekend in October): what an absolutely brilliant concept. Take a famous older movie, have a live band create a new soundtrack for it, and show it in a venue appropriate to the subject of the film rather than in a movie theater. I saw King Kong vs. Godzilla in the City Archives Building, with a surf rock band playing along and then Jaws, while floating on a tube in an indoor swimming pool, with a DJ who snuck in snippets from the Beach Boys, the A-Team theme song, and the Titanic love theme at just the right moments. It's hard to do justice to the festival in writing. Trust me. Just go.

Overrated, in my opinion:

- Floating Flower Market (skip it and go to Keukenhof or the flower auction)

- Wagamama (AVOID at all costs; absolutely terrible place)

- Indonesian rijstafel or Surinamese food (it just never seems to taste as good as dim sum or Thai, sorry!)

- Stedelijk (I love modern art museums, but this one always disappoints me)

- boat tours in the glass-covered boats (do the Boom Chicago open boat tour instead)

- any Japanese, Mexican, or Indian food here (it just can't compare to what's available in the major coastal cities of the US)

- Keuken van 1870 (yes, it's traditional Dutch food, but it's so bland; I think it gets written up a lot because it's cheap)

- d'Vijff Vlieghen (love the name of the restaurant, but it's just not a good value; would recommend Van Vlaanderen instead for contemporary Dutch cuisine, which is a lot like French food except with slightly different ingredients)

- Vollendam (full of overpriced kitsch and tourists)

Amsterdammers: feel free to weigh in with your suggestions!